I am losing my mind. I am pretty sure I actually LOST my mind when Finn came ambling through my door. I hit 30 childless and went "batshit crazy". That is all I can attribute my no-hesitating jump into dog motherhood; and then five months later doing it AGAIN. I was fine with my cats. Really, I was. Once McGee (Mac) died, however, I realized I missed his constant affection, something Milo and Cooper would give too frugally for my needs...
Finnegan (Finn) came to me as a 2.5 lb puppy from a rescue organization. He wasn't the big, lazy dog I'd always wanted. No. He was tiny and would be tiny full-grown, but he was a great "starter dog" for my cats. I did not consider that he would be CRAZY and get into ANYTHING that looked dangerous. Nor did I fully understand the energy level this little guy would have. But we adapted, all four of us. As soon as we got to acceptance, Calloway (Cal) came along. He needed a new home as his adopted home hurt him more than helped. Being a bleeding heart sucker, I took him in too "just to foster". His liter mate/brother, Finn, fell BACK in love with him, then I fell in love with him and that was the end of what I thought was a perfectly balanced household: one dog, two cats, and one "mom".
I'm now, at 30 and nine months, surrounded by boys. Crazy, out of control, demanding boys. Boys who I am terrified will get hurt, die, or hurt and die on me anytime. This neurosis comes from McGee, my beloved black tabby, getting cancer and dying almost two years back and now every morsel Finn puts in his mouth MUST be poisonous, every time Cal's patella luxates I have to check myself from going to the place of pure anxiety and terror.
This constant terror, that has spilled over onto Milo and Cooper, is making me physically ill and causing enough tears to water my plants weekly. So of course I wonder: why? Why is it now out of all times that I get anxious over an abnormally tired puppy? Or why I study their breathing as if I may detect and prevent their untimely death...because I have been doing that! I've been staring at Finn's little chest to see if he's been breathing in a way I deem appropriate for a puppy. See? This is the "batshit crazy" of which I speak and I only adopt northwestern Wisconsinisms in times of complete and utter terror when I am at a real loss of what to say.
I have hesitantly come to the conclusion that I've created a large family for me. A large brood of children. Prior to McGee's death, they were a permanent fixture never to be shaken until I was "really old" and so I gave no further thought. I trusted in them and nature to let "it all be okay"...I'm apparently getting "really old" because death happens prematurely (prematurely to what, again, I deem an appropriate time/date/age--I'm a meglomaniac that way). Life isn't something I have confidence in any longer. I love my "furkids". I love them to distraction and to (my) pieces and any threat to that love and their happiness (alive = happy ;)) sends me into a panic.
So how does a mother calm down. How does a mother lower her vigilance from a strangle hold to cupping the ones that she loves? Lennie couldn't do it in Of Mice and Men with his rabbits, and I am afraid I am going to have a bunch of dead rabbits on my hands soon...or have to find a new vet! ;).
Finnegan (Finn) came to me as a 2.5 lb puppy from a rescue organization. He wasn't the big, lazy dog I'd always wanted. No. He was tiny and would be tiny full-grown, but he was a great "starter dog" for my cats. I did not consider that he would be CRAZY and get into ANYTHING that looked dangerous. Nor did I fully understand the energy level this little guy would have. But we adapted, all four of us. As soon as we got to acceptance, Calloway (Cal) came along. He needed a new home as his adopted home hurt him more than helped. Being a bleeding heart sucker, I took him in too "just to foster". His liter mate/brother, Finn, fell BACK in love with him, then I fell in love with him and that was the end of what I thought was a perfectly balanced household: one dog, two cats, and one "mom".
I'm now, at 30 and nine months, surrounded by boys. Crazy, out of control, demanding boys. Boys who I am terrified will get hurt, die, or hurt and die on me anytime. This neurosis comes from McGee, my beloved black tabby, getting cancer and dying almost two years back and now every morsel Finn puts in his mouth MUST be poisonous, every time Cal's patella luxates I have to check myself from going to the place of pure anxiety and terror.
This constant terror, that has spilled over onto Milo and Cooper, is making me physically ill and causing enough tears to water my plants weekly. So of course I wonder: why? Why is it now out of all times that I get anxious over an abnormally tired puppy? Or why I study their breathing as if I may detect and prevent their untimely death...because I have been doing that! I've been staring at Finn's little chest to see if he's been breathing in a way I deem appropriate for a puppy. See? This is the "batshit crazy" of which I speak and I only adopt northwestern Wisconsinisms in times of complete and utter terror when I am at a real loss of what to say.
I have hesitantly come to the conclusion that I've created a large family for me. A large brood of children. Prior to McGee's death, they were a permanent fixture never to be shaken until I was "really old" and so I gave no further thought. I trusted in them and nature to let "it all be okay"...I'm apparently getting "really old" because death happens prematurely (prematurely to what, again, I deem an appropriate time/date/age--I'm a meglomaniac that way). Life isn't something I have confidence in any longer. I love my "furkids". I love them to distraction and to (my) pieces and any threat to that love and their happiness (alive = happy ;)) sends me into a panic.
So how does a mother calm down. How does a mother lower her vigilance from a strangle hold to cupping the ones that she loves? Lennie couldn't do it in Of Mice and Men with his rabbits, and I am afraid I am going to have a bunch of dead rabbits on my hands soon...or have to find a new vet! ;).
