I've been consistently single now for over two years. Not the most joyous experience of my life, but there has been no one that I've wanted to invest my time or emotions on and into, so that has been the circumstance. However, as it goes in waves with my life, everyone is partnering up again and all these friend and family members feel it is somehow against the laws of nature that I should remain single. I am not sure why people feel that upon hearing that I am single they must do one (or both) of two things:
- Offer to set me up with another single person they know/met/know from a friend/knew in kindergarten/tried to date and hated, etc.
- Try to get to the "root" of why I am single and offer unsolicited advice (or what I like to 'affectionately' call Coerced Therapy) about the reasons why I am single.
Now, although I love my friends and some of my family and know they all mean well, I would like to state, in a less frantic, hand-waving, spittle-induced fit of pique that I don't need a diagnosis to my problem nor do I need to be set up with Random Joe. I can do it myself!
Okay, yes, I am acting a bit childish and misdirected about wanting help, but this is one area where my pride goes into overdrive. Well, that and there is a reason I've been single for two years...here goes my rant of deranged proportions of why I sit home alone on weekend nights or don't hit on everything with a phallus and/or y-chromosome:
Two years ago I was, what I thought to be, in love with someone going nowhere in a s-l-o-w 'relationship'. I let my guard down. Let him in to see more of me than I've let anyone else and apparently, for the long term, he didn't like what he saw. Now, a "normal" person would have sucked it up and moved on, figuring it was all like shopping. You see something you want, open your wallet to see if you can afford the item, and realize you don't have that much money (patience, sanity etc) to afford it and put it back. But as I don't like not being "good enough". This drives me a little nutto and a lot hermit. Instead of going back out shopping or trying to sell myself again (and really, I am a horrid sales person as I am too honest about flaws by half), I sit and curse this *boy* who hurt me, and wish I had never let my guard down. I build back up my unhealthy defenses and close into myself.
Yet, all the while I do this, I yearn for a committed relationship with a sweet man and babies (and a dog and cats). I let these dreams and yearnings almost crush me in a quiet moment, so I fill those moments with books, movies, friends, music, liquor, anything that will help me make it until bed time, where I will ache again for the same dream that won't come true...at least not until I find someone again that will make me want to open my shell back up and let him in.
Until that time, I am one unhappy clam, laying on the beach, and waiting for the water to recede. (how is that for a pathetic metaphor? :))
Okay, yes, I am acting a bit childish and misdirected about wanting help, but this is one area where my pride goes into overdrive. Well, that and there is a reason I've been single for two years...here goes my rant of deranged proportions of why I sit home alone on weekend nights or don't hit on everything with a phallus and/or y-chromosome:
Two years ago I was, what I thought to be, in love with someone going nowhere in a s-l-o-w 'relationship'. I let my guard down. Let him in to see more of me than I've let anyone else and apparently, for the long term, he didn't like what he saw. Now, a "normal" person would have sucked it up and moved on, figuring it was all like shopping. You see something you want, open your wallet to see if you can afford the item, and realize you don't have that much money (patience, sanity etc) to afford it and put it back. But as I don't like not being "good enough". This drives me a little nutto and a lot hermit. Instead of going back out shopping or trying to sell myself again (and really, I am a horrid sales person as I am too honest about flaws by half), I sit and curse this *boy* who hurt me, and wish I had never let my guard down. I build back up my unhealthy defenses and close into myself.
Yet, all the while I do this, I yearn for a committed relationship with a sweet man and babies (and a dog and cats). I let these dreams and yearnings almost crush me in a quiet moment, so I fill those moments with books, movies, friends, music, liquor, anything that will help me make it until bed time, where I will ache again for the same dream that won't come true...at least not until I find someone again that will make me want to open my shell back up and let him in.
Until that time, I am one unhappy clam, laying on the beach, and waiting for the water to recede. (how is that for a pathetic metaphor? :))
